As I write this post, it will be almost 11 months since we lost Drew. It is still hard to believe this is my life. This is so unnatural and goes against everything I know as a parent.
These past months have been incredibly challenging. All of the first holidays, birthdays, vacations and special events without him have been difficult. It is not just the special times, but the day-to-day activities that remind me of his absence. I miss him coming down to ask for a cup of tea in the morning, talking about the next race or online tournament, discussing his future plans and ending the night with our traditional "good night" and "I love you." I miss his silly laugh, him asking to order Tropical Smoothie for lunch or making a morning run to Starbucks (of course, with my debit card). I miss him yelling at his computer and would take that yelling all day, every day right now.
During these past 11 months, I have learned some things about grief, trauma and the impact it has had on my life. I've had days that I felt completely numb and days that I can't stop crying and don't know how I can go on. The grief process is very individual, but I wanted to share my own personal thoughts in the hope that maybe it would help someone else.
As a parent, I had never thought about losing a child, especially not this young. I always saw my children growing up and following the traditional paths to adulthood. When I lost my son, all of that security was gone. I felt a sudden and complete lack of control. This loss created a level of anxiety that I have never experienced before. It caused me to regularly use our location apps to make sure the boys made it to work or home safely. It took months of counseling, meditation, and deep breathing exercises to reduce the anxiety, and I'm still not sure that it will ever completely go away.
Prior to August 2021, I had a pretty good memory. I could remember events, keep up with details, and track things without a problem. Now, I have complete brain fog. I can barely remember what happened last week. I've forgotten to buy things that I said I would, missed deadlines, and can't remember conversations from a couple of days ago. I have to use apps and take lots of notes to remind me of things both simple and large. Studies have actually shown that traumatic stress can be associated with lasting changes in the brain. I don't know if this will ever improve, but it has also caused an elevation in my anxiety as well as a feeling of failure when I've forgotten important things.
My time reference is now based on before or after we lost Drew. Whether it is a story being told, a photo I see, or when I'm scrolling through my social media posts, I will note if Drew was here or if he wasn't - even if it's unrelated to him. On August 27, 2021, my life was fractured forever, and I lost a piece of myself. As a mother, my children have and will always be my everything. I would give my own life if it meant saving theirs. Because of this bond, a part of me will forever be anchored to that day.
The night we lost Drew and the next couple of weeks, I checked and double checked the locks on all the doors before going to bed. It felt like someone broke into our home and took something from me. The reality is something WAS taken from me - my son. I barely slept and every sound I heard at night caused me to awaken in a panic. While I understand now that this is just the body's way of protecting me from a perceived threat, at the time, the threat felt very real.
Within 2 weeks, all of us were individually starting to see a counselor. Our counselors specialized in EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy. This therapy focuses on treating trauma and helping the person traumatized to reconnect with it in a safe and measured way. It also helps to facilitate the healing of the brain. The best example given by my counselor is that after trauma, your brain is like a large room of filing cabinets, but the files have been thrown about the room. There is no sense of order. EMDR starts to put the files where they belong. This therapy has been a healing resource for service members and veterans.
At my first appointment with Morgan, I was nervous, anxious, and frankly, sick to my stomach. I knew with EMDR that I would have to relive the memory of that morning over and over, and it terrified me. Morgan was so patient and understanding. She immediately made me feel at ease. As I cried so hard I couldn't speak, she told me to take my time and just sat quietly and let me grieve. She kept an open mind throughout our conversations and never disregarded an idea or thought that I shared. If I needed to be redirected, she would do it in a positive way. The one thing that made all the difference is I was able to connect with her. I felt she really heard me and understood me and that has helped me to continue working with her to this day.
Without the love and support of our family and friends, I really don't know where we would be. When we made the numerous calls that morning, they immediately dropped everything to be here. Some drove hours and stayed for days to help us through those very difficult days. Since we were in shock, we did little but the basics. They made meals, cleaned our house, cared for our dogs, sat with us when we cried, and gave us space when needed. They provided support as we made difficult decisions and funeral arrangements. They didn't cast judgment or give us empty platitudes at any point. They followed our lead and then provided whatever support was needed. Even in the weeks and months since, they have made time to visit, call or text to check in on us.
In one session with my counselor, I mentioned that I can't think too far in the future. If I think about the future without Drew, it feels like I'm about to be hit by a tsunami. All the vacations holidays, birthdays, and special events that he will not be there for causes panic to set in. Then there is the fact that next month will be a year without him. One year of not seeing him, hearing his voice, hugging him, laughing with him and even running with him - it is absolutely devastating. I didn't know how to deal with this.
Morgan recommended sticking to day-to-day activities for now and focus on the present. When most people ask me how I'm doing, I say the same thing - I'm taking it day by day. That's all I can do for now. Sometimes it is hour by hour or even minute by minute on really bad days.
Since I lost my son, there are so many days I have begged the universe for one more chance, one more hour with Drew. Just let me talk to him, tell him how much he means to us and how much we love him. How life has been pure hell without him. How he did not have to choose this path.
He was an amazing young man with so many talents. He was smart, he was handsome and he was loved. He had so much to offer the world. He just could not see it for himself.
Losing my child has been the most devastating event of my life. There is nothing that makes the pain go away. I don't always show it on the outside, but it is there. There is no getting over it or getting past it. What I have learned with counseling is that while it won't get easier, I will be able to carry it differently as time moves forward.
Drew, my sweet boy, please know you are missed beyond measure and loved with all of my heart!
If you or someone you love is in crisis, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
☎️ Call 988 or 800-273-8255 (Veterans, press 1)
📱 Text TALK to 741741 (Veterans, text 838255)
Additional Resources:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) - Get Help
2 replies to "Life After Loss"
Thank you for sharing all of this. Sending you love day by day!!!
Thank you for being so transparent.