Sharing My Story of Loss and Grief – Part 1

When I started this post, I originally titled it “sharing my struggle of loss and grief,” but I realized there was more to share than my struggle. These past few months have been difficult, but my hope is this will help someone else going through a difficult time.

For those who may be new to this blog, let me provide some additional information. As I write this post, my husband, Jim and I have been married 25 years, and we were blessed with 3 amazing boys. Growing up, Zach, Drew & Ryan were always wrestling, zip-lining, and riding 4-wheelers and dirt bikes on our 8.6 acres in Virginia. It was never a dull moment, and there were plenty of trips to the ER for staples, sutures and casts.

In 2012, my husband was offered a new job, and we moved to my happy place – the beach (thank you sweetheart). The boys loved the beach life, and we spent plenty of weekends building sand castles and watching them play in the ocean. Life was good.

Throughout school, Zach and Drew found their outlet in sports, and Ryan chose various technology camps. They also enjoyed gaming, and each of them would eventually build their own computer. They all found something that they excelled and enjoyed.

This past summer, Drew came to Jim and shared that he was feeling very depressed and needed some help. We were so proud of him for coming to us, but sad that he was struggling. We immediately connected him with his physician and also with a counselor. He committed to following the plan, and we felt confident that we were doing everything we could to help him work through his struggle.

On Friday, August 27th, I woke up to take Ryan to band camp. I walked upstairs to make sure he was awake and see if Drew was up early and ready to help his dad with a bathroom remodel they had planned. Ryan was awake and getting ready. I walked by Drew’s door and noticed it was shut and locked. It was unlike him to lock his door, and I immediately got concerned. I went to my room to retrieve the key and unlock his door. I opened the door to find my sweet boy gone from this world and everything began to crumble.

The next few hours were chaotic and devastating. I contacted our oldest son and his girlfriend at their apartment, and they immediately came over. There were police, rescue and detectives going up and down the stairs to his room, and we were answering all kinds of questions. I felt like I was in a nightmare and somehow I would wake up and my son would come down and ask me for a cup of tea. Unfortunately, it was a nightmare, but one that was real.

Our family was utterly devastated. We just sat in silence for most of the morning trying to process what had occurred. How could this be real? How was our son and brother gone? What just happened? Nothing made sense.

Over the coming hours and days, our family and friends came to care for us – and that’s exactly what it was. We could barely function, and they stepped in that gap and loved and supported us in whatever way we needed – Hugs, a shoulder to cry on, even getting groceries, ordering food, cleaning the house, and doing dishes. I can’t tell you how appreciative we will always be of them dropping everything, making child arrangements and doing all they could to help us.

We felt the love and support from family and friends who couldn’t be here as well. So many cards and messages sent full of prayers and positive thoughts. I know we didn’t always respond during that time, but they were appreciated. Even Drew’s online friends – whom we had never met – provided positive comments about how much he meant to them. It was such a gift to us.

I revisit that day every single day of my life. I also revisit the night before when I felt something was off, but thought it was related to not doing well on a test I had taken. I made my usual nightly rounds to say goodnight and I love you to both Drew and Ryan. I saw that Drew was reading in his bed and thought he was using his resources and decided to go on to bed. What if I had just gone in and talked to him? What if I had asked him how he was feeling? What if…??? The guilt of not going in there will haunt me forever. Nothing and no one will change that. I was the last one to talk to him before something triggered him to end his struggle.

I miss him every single day, and I just wish I had one more minute to just talk with him. Just one more.

Please know that if you are struggling or know someone who is struggling, please reach out and get help. Another family should never have to experience the complete devastation that our family has gone through. Our lives are forever changed by this tragedy, and the pain is unimaginable and never ending. Please reach out and find someone to help you. You are here for a reason. You have a purpose. Just keeping going.

If you or someone you love is in crisis, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
☎️ Call 800-273-8255 (Veterans, press 1)
📱 Text TALK to 741741 (Veterans, text 838255)

Additional Resources:

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) – Get Help

There is so much more to tell of my story. It took a lot of emotional energy to get this far, so please come back for me to share more. I will continue to share it. Thank you for your continued love and support for our family.

Click here to read Part 2 of my story.

Much love and thanks,

Karen