Growing up, the holidays were always my favorite time of year. It meant either having family from Pennsylvania down for Thanksgiving or my parents driving us to Ohio to visit my grandparents and extended family. Either way, there were so many good memories.
I can recall pop-up plays that my cousins and I would write and perform for our parents and grandparents. Food and traditions that were passed down from generation to generation. There was singing while one of us played the piano, and there was always laughter. The night was not a success unless we (the girls) laughed until we cried. Like I said, great memories. I just knew that when I had kids, I wanted them to share some of these same traditions and make wonderful memories just as I had.
When our boys were little, we incorporated some of those great traditions and created some of our own. I would make my grandmother’s “hot bread” and my other grandmother’s cookies and nut roll. Christmas Eve was a huge night as we made hanging the stockings a full show. Each person would hang their stocking on the fireplace mantle, and if they couldn’t reach, Jim would pick them up all while I took pictures.
We would bake cookies and put them out with a glass of eggnog for Santa (cause Santa preferred that over milk) and Jim would help them write a letter to leave on the table.
The next morning was another production, and I can’t help but smile at the wonderful memories that we made each year with our boys. They were some of the happiest moments of my life.
One of the things I always heard growing up and even into adulthood was that while this time of year was exciting for most people, the holidays could look very different for others. I never fully understand or even appreciated that statement – until last year. When you lose someone, the holidays look and feel very different. You hold onto every memory and cherish them so much more.
For us, it meant changing the way we celebrate. No longer do I cook all day on Thanksgiving and have a huge meal at our table that evening. We all agreed that sitting at a table with an empty chair was not an option, so we make reservations at one of our favorite restaurants and go together. While we don’t go out to dinner for Christmas, we have made changes to those traditions as well.
As you go through this holiday season, I want to share my perspective in the hope of helping either those who have lost someone or those who know someone who has experienced a loss. Here are a few of my thoughts:
- This journey is very individual. What one person is experiencing will be different from someone else. This means that one person could attend a party, celebrate with family or even laugh and enjoy themselves, while another person (who could have experienced the same loss) can barely get out of bed. Neither is wrong, so please respect the person’s journey. Our family all agreed from Day 1 that this journey will look different for each of us, so we will respect where we are in this process.
- Communication is key. Share your thoughts and feelings with those who are supporting you through this journey. Let them know if you need to adjust your holiday plans. Our family has been very open about the need to make changes. Jim and I have shared our struggles with each other – especially through the holidays. We recently discussed that this second holiday season has been more difficult for us than last year. Being in a state of shock and disbelief last year (2021), we stumbled our way through. This year (2022), we have a plan, which gives us time to really think about Drew not being here. We have both felt more emotional this season, and communicating these feelings has helped us to honor the other’s journey.
- The grief process is not linear – it is fluid. You don’t start at one end of the grief stages and find yourself ready to face the world once you find acceptance. It doesn’t work that way. Some people going through grief will experience several or all of these stages even in one day. For me, I’ve gone through several in one afternoon. I can have one “good” day and then find myself crying at the littlest thing the next. I have been angry – both at Drew and myself, tried to bargain with the universe for just one more day, and also stared into space in complete denial that this could be my life. The biggest advice I can give is to allow yourself to grieve during this holiday season at whatever stage you are going through. Pushing yourself or someone you love along can be hurtful and even detrimental to the healing process.
- Find a way to celebrate the holiday and your loved one in a way that is best for you. As I stated, our holidays look very different. We don’t eat at our table, but we still have Christmas dinner together. I light a candle for Drew when I first wake up Christmas morning and let it burn all day. There are other things that we have changed, and thankfully, our family and friends understand and support these changes. If you have family or friends that have experienced a loss, please be understanding that they may not be able to celebrate in the same way they had before their loss.
- There is no time limit on grief. Whether the loss was yesterday, last month, last year or 10+ years ago, the holidays will be a reminder that a loved one is not there to celebrate. Please be mindful that statements such as, “you should be passed this,” “over this,” “moving on,” or anything similar is just hurtful to those who experienced the loss. For me, there will always be an underlying sadness to any celebration or special event. Outwardly, I may be smiling, but inside, a part of me will always wish Drew was there to celebrate.
- If you feel ready in your healing journey, channel your grief into something positive. Find something that you and your loved one would do together or something they enjoyed and honor them and the memories you shared. Drew and I loved to run and our last race was the Christmas one in 2019 before COVID. Running has been very therapeutic for me, so I plan to run the Christmas race this year for the first time since we lost him. I know it won’t be easy, but I know that he will be with me every step and cheering me on at the finish line.
Whether this is your first season without your loved one or many years have passed, please take care of yourself and honor your journey. Understand that triggers can occur, but surrounding yourself with people who love and support you can make the difficult times bearable. Finally, know that you are not alone. I am sending you love and peace as you go through this holiday season.
